Empathy. We hear about it all the time, like mindfulness, resilience, and drinking more water. But unlike your daily eight glasses, empathy does actually make life easier. It’s what keeps society from descending into chaos and helps us survive family gatherings without too many passive-aggressive remarks (most of the time).

Now, if you’ve ever tried explaining to a three-year-old why yanking a toy out of their friend’s hands isn’t the ‘right’ thing to do, you might wonder if empathy is something kids are even capable of. But here’s the good news: empathy isn’t just an inborn trait - it’s a skill. And like tying shoelaces or pretending to like vegetables, it can be taught. The earlier we start, the better for everyone involved.

Why empathy is a big deal

Empathy isn’t just about being nice. It’s about understanding that other people have feelings, perspectives, and (brace yourself) needs that might not revolve around you (gasp!). Research shows that kids who develop empathy early on do better at making friends, solving problems, and not turning into adults who throw tantrums in customer service lines.

On the flip side, kids who don’t learn empathy tend to struggle socially, handle conflict poorly, and generally make life difficult for themselves and others. Let’s be honest; we’ve all met someone who clearly missed this lesson growing up.

The stages of empathy

Empathy doesn’t appear overnight. It develops in stages, much like a child’s ability to eat without covering themselves in whatever they are munching on. Here’s how it happens:

Infancy: The Emotional Sponge Phase

Babies may seem self-absorbed (and, to be fair, they are), but they do however pick up on emotions. Ever noticed how one crying baby in a room can set off a chain reaction? That’s called ‘emotional contagion’ and it’s the earliest sign of empathy. They don’t really know what’s wrong, but hey, if everyone else is upset, they figure they might as well join in.
(And yes, in my opinion there are many ‘adults’ who are stuck at this stage of their empathic development.)

Toddlerhood: The 'I Kinda Care' Phase

By age two, toddlers start showing concern for others. They might offer a toy to a crying friend, only to snatch it back moments later. It’s a work in progress. This is the time to reinforce emotional awareness by naming feelings (“Now Timmy, we don’t grab things out of others’ hands, that made her sad”) and teaching the basic foreign concept of kindness.

Early Childhood: The 'Oh, Other People Have Feelings Too' Phase

Between the ages of four and six, kids begin to grasp that other people experience emotions differently. One might love thunderstorms because of the puddles and the pretty lights, while another hides under the bed. This is when they start realising the world isn’t a personal playground designed solely for their entertainment. Role-playing, storytelling, and asking “How do you think they feel?” helps to strengthen this understanding.

Middle Childhood: The Philosophical Reasoning Phase

From ages six to twelve, kids become more aware of fairness, justice, and social rules. They start seeing beyond their immediate world and recognising broader issues - like why taking the last biscuit without asking might be a problem. Encouraging discussions about fairness and kindness helps them apply empathy in bigger ways.

Teenage Years: The Emotional Rollercoaster

Ah teenagers, the embodiment of contradictions. They care deeply about their friends but forget their family exists. They’re outraged by injustice in the world, yet leave their dirty dishes in the sink. They are concerned about global warming, but somehow forget that a light switch has an off function as well. Still, this is when their empathy skills can reach new heights. Debating ethical dilemmas, volunteering, and being exposed to different perspectives all help solidify their ability to understand others (and themselves) on a deeper level.

Why teaching empathy sets children up for success

Aside from making them a lot more pleasant to be around (prove me wrong), empathy has serious long-term perks:

1. Better Relationships – Friendships, family bonds, and workplace dynamics all benefit from people who actually care about others’ feelings.
2. Stronger Leadership Skills – The best leaders aren’t the loudest - they’re the ones who listen to understand, not just to respond.
3. Conflict Resolution Skills – Empathy makes navigating disagreements less about shouting and more about solutions.
4. Improved Mental Health – Being able to process and express emotions in healthier ways leads to healthier coping mechanisms.
5. A More Compassionate Worldview – In an age of online outrage and snap judgments, the ability to see different perspectives is an invaluable trait.

How to actually teach empathy (Without sounding like a Self-Help book)

You can’t force empathy, but you can nurture it. Here’s how:

• Model it – Kids learn by watching. Show them empathy in everyday interactions.
• Ask questions – “How do you think they felt?” is a powerful tool for building perspective.
• Read and discuss stories – Reading books and watching movies together provide great opportunities to discuss emotions and experiences.
• Encourage emotional expression – Let kids express their feelings in healthy ways instead of shutting them down.
• Expose them to diversity – Meeting people from different backgrounds broadens their understanding.
• Teach active listening – Real empathy comes from actually listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

Why this matters more than ever

The world could use more empathy. Teaching kids to care about others isn’t just good for them, it’s good for all of us. An empathetic child grows into an adult who makes better decisions, builds stronger relationships, and isn’t a nightmare to work with. (Or an entitled narcissist that believes the world revolves around them.)

So, if you want to raise a child who’s not just kind but also emotionally intelligent and socially capable, start early. And if all else fails, at least teach them to share the last damn biscuit.

Until next time.

Dr. Anthony Wake